Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
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It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Word!
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”