the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
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Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
I just stopped by to water my horse.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do