BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
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I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.