BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
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[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
#Caturday
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”