BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
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Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?