Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
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My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
grotesque if literal: baby food
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this