Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
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My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.