Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
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“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator