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I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.