Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
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Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.