If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
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*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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dictator is short for richard potato
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???