@Jesssicle: Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I'm unaware of?

@Kyle_Lippert: My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can't do that.

@ShawnIzadi: Password security questions be like: What's your middle name? Why are you single? What's wrong with your big toe?

@joejwest: [tattoo parlour] ME: I'd like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he's dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?

@kevnasto: My mom just learned how to text. And her text to me said "can you hear me?"