@AsgardianRose: You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once? That's how I'm handling adulthood.

@flashember: [DOG COP TV DRAMA] DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy! SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.

@omgthatspunny: I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

@stoneman67: My birthday suit doesn't fit me anymore.

@SaveItForFest: STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.