WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
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*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
huge valentines day plans this year!!
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out