be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
You Might Also Like
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
HELP 😭
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box