@mashyboo: be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you'll turn into a cartoon character
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@rsynder336x2: Wife: Can you fix this, the holes too big for the thingy majingy? Me: Hey I know how it feels! Hahaha! *And then I regained consciousness
@thatUPSdude: I love when you're choking someone and they are all "I can't breathe", duh I'm choking you.
@duplicitron: What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.
@RainbowJohnJ: A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.