be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
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ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
😂😂😂
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
that colleague who touches your screen
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*