be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
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When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.