I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
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Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
This will never not be funny to me.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.