@PineapplePtart: Be careful, newbies. Twitter changes you. I used to be Puerto Rican, now I'm Irish.
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@shutupmikeginn: Spice things up in a first date by wearing a parachute and refusing to talk about it
@TeaPainUSA: Mike Huckabee calls Obama a "pretend Christian", and if anyone's an expert on "pretend Christians", it's Mike Huckabee.
@fro_vo: [job interview] Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word Me: yes i've heard that word many times
@TheAlexNevil: Most of being a parent means saying "Great!!" when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.