*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
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*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Social distancing in Australia:
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*