Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
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“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
termite twitter scares me
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
CUTE CAT‼︎
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT