New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
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Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”