*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
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If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Lucky old June.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”