Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
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lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Ferrari squats
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Just as the prophecy foretold
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.