be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
You Might Also Like
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
japanese corn
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked