be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
You Might Also Like
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done