@Cyd10e: "Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the 'M' is silent."
@WeissBrandon: When I see a couple and the women's pregnant. I always walk up and YELL "why don't you tell him who is really the father." and walk away
@Dani_Feld: When a relative asks me what I'm doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he's doing.
@loribuckmajor: Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
@NicestHippo: [doing standup]
So I live in Kansas—
That…that wasn't the joke
@lovemydogduck: Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts... even my eyelashes.