Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
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Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.