Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
You Might Also Like
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Here’s a meme
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi