“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
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Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Wake me when AI does housework
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.