“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
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Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
A drum solo but on your face.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls