Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
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Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me