Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
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pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes