@kumailn: Be great if just once the winning actor was like "I mean it wasn't a particularly strong group this year, but still."
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@DominicStraw: You left a note on the fridge saying "This isn't working. Goodbye" but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don't get it.
@__candypants: Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
@bobvulfov: [posing nude] ME: make sure to capture all of my body's contours DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
@TravLeBlanc: I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.