[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
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Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.