Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
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No point crayon over spilled milk.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.