[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
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me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip