@Gooooats: Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Also, this is America so they all have guns.
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@DaddyJew: Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: *super high* nice try, license and registration
@ElayneBoosler: If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
@UncleDuke1969: Daughter: Here you go! Me: You're my favorite. Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite! Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
@The_MartiniGirl: The sampler tester at the liquor store told me to stop coming back every hour in a disguise.