Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
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I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.