Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
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Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee