Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
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A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it