“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
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I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.