“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
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Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes