Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
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I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.