Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
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Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
This is a bad sign
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”