@JohnLyonTweets: Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
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@Weird_Rash: If you’ve ever accidentally stepped on a cat’s tail, you’ve seen my wife’s sex face.
@neverknownfacts: Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
@MikeDrucker: If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he'd be like, "WITCH!"
@LoveNLunchmeat: When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.