Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
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If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Good dog. ❤️
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single