Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
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Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Erm I’m gonna say no
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
I can also cook 😂
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all