Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
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Someone should probably go check on Steve.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”