My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
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the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.