Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
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I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed