Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
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[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
when you are just born a rebel
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car