@JennyJohnsonHi5: Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the "life of the party."
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@Mr_Kapowski: Guarantees in life 1. Death 2. A waitress will ask how everything is while your mouth is full but never be around when you need a refill
@Underchilde: Therapist: Do you have any regrets? Me: Well, this one time— Therapist [pinches bridge of nose] Other than buying fat-free salad dressing.
@seamussaid: the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers