Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
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Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.