Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
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I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year