Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
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If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*