“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
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It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.