@SmithWit: Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we're never going to meet real people ever again.
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@ThaJawn: Cop: Second time this week Me: I thought I could be brave C: Yeah I know, this slide is pretty high for you, now just take my hand M: ok
@murrman5: can you start monday at 8? "yes, thank you for the opportunity" [calls new boss at his home on sunday night] hello? "am or pm?"
@notalogin: Sex is like lasagna - there's absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
@Scdavis24: That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like.... 'I've got nothing man.'