Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
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something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me