Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
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Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar